And he loved her......

Genesis 24:67 And He loved her......



Isaac loved Rebekah. Love is a very powerful emotion. It is very important to be loved, to feel love, to have someone to love you. I know, I am fortuanate. I have a husband and children that really love me. The first moment I held Rachel,I felt a love, like no other. the first moment I held my husband, I felt a love like no other.



I didn't always have that love. Oh my parents loved me, but in a different way, a parental way. Not affectionate like a spouse. It is much different.



As I was heading off for Bible college, I dreamed of the love, the type a man loves a woman. I never recieved in in Bible College, I felt and was treated as unloveable, my dreamed was to be loved by a godly man, I was instead rejected, by many. I didn't turn my love, my desire towards Christ, who ought to be our first love. I turned it to self. After I left BC, I did get many dates, that isn't said to be prideful. It is true. But it was attention from the wrong type of men. It wasn't true love, it was worldly ungodly lust. Sickening as it may sound, but I got my desire filled, I treated as if I was loved. Love is powerful, it is strong, when doesn't feel it, they can often turn to drastic things such as I.

The Bible calls women the weaker vessel for a reason. We are weak. I am weak and I needed love. I didn't get it from the right type of man, so I sought after it from the wrong type.

I wasn't a great Christian, I wasn't bad either. I loved the Lord and wanted to serve Him, just not alone. After a pretty weak dating first year and half of BC, I wasn't ready to give up love, for God.I know that sounds really sad. It is the honest truth though. Why am I confessing this? Because this is a common problem with Female Bible College students. They are pressured into finding a man, consciously or subconsciously, and when they don't especially their first year, they feel like a failure, and worse, unloveable.

Free Rice

If you love vocabulary, you my like this free mind numbing game
www.freerice.org

What is your hughest level? mine was 39

Mark

On saturday Aug 2nd, my nephew Mark Lee Allen passed away of 2 brain tumors at the age of 20. He is a remarkable young man, life cut short. I did talk to him about Christ he understood. He was intubated, so I really couldn't have a deep conversation. I am at peace knowing that he was at peace making his choice.
He choose when he was to die, he was taking off dialysis on Saturday morning and passed away in my sister's arms. They need alot of prayer right now. The funeral is tomorrow, pray God gives me courage and strength to comfort my family and wiotness as oppurtunity arises.

Home Sweet Home

Praise the Lord!!! the offer for the home was accepted. Now the loan just needs to go through.
Here is a picture of it. 1040 Hokanson
http://www.realtor.com/search/searchresults.aspx?zp=46304&mnp=18&mxp=17&typ=1&sid=7839f1f3188c48479a7a9e315ab8e134&pg=1

Moving On

Well in less then a month, we will be here 5 years. We are looking at moving to a different town.That seems to be the theme this summer, the theme to move. Both of my daughters best friends have moved to different states. Their teacher moved, and it seems like a mass exodus. Now we are moving, hopefully.

Our move isn't a great distance, just maybe 2 miles away, 1 mile from Church. We are attempting to buy a house. Praise God the offer was accepted. Now we must go through the hardest part, we must be able to get a loan. Pastor Mallinak preached a message on miracles at the beginning of the summer. As a family we have been praying for God to provide a miracle for us. we don't deserve a miracle. We deserve nothing but hell, but we are praying for a miracle, that miracle would be a home for us.

My family, my husband and daughters really need to see God work. I know He wants to, but I think we forget, often, too often about many of the miracles God has provided. My family needs to see God is
real. My husband needs to see, my daughters and even I. We don't deserve a home. There is nothing we can really do to obtain a home. If it happens it will solely be a miracle of God.

The thing about moving, isn't the hard work per sae, recently serveral families have moved. As I tell my daughters their dear friends are leaving, what do I say? How do I say it? How do I not run down a family decisions to do what is best for their family? When we moved 5 years ago we moved for what was best for our family, in doing so we faced a lot of derision. The pastor threw a fit, banned us from working in the church, lied to us to our soon to be new pastor. We almost was denied access to the Christian school. A little over a year later our former pastor left his wife and quit the ministry.

Now I am not saying this what is going to happen now, with so many people leaving, but I can't be judgemental in thier decsion either. I can't predict the future. I love my church, I love the people here and the staff and I also love the people that have left. I hate change!!!!

I am not sure exactly what the problems are. I do see a huge clique that has formed inside the church, either you are apart of it, or your not. It isn't easy to gain access to the clique. Often it requires someone to be employed by the church. If that isn't the case, then ask yourself, who is your best friend? Who do you hang with? Who is your spouses best friend? Who do they hang with? Who are they all employed by? How often do you associate with someone that has no employment with the church? It isn't to critisize, it is to make people think? Is every staff at Fairhaven Baptist Church right with God? Are they all trying to to do what is right? Are they all real? Was that the case 15-20 years ago when a mass exodus of staff occurred? We know the answer to that. So why assume that making best friends with only fellow coworkers ensures the ultimate biblical friendship? My problem isn't the staff, it is the clique groups that exists among the staff.

I am a better person because of my church, but to be truthful, I am a hurt person due to the rejection I often feel here as well. I have done what I can. I can only be responsible for me, not my husband not anyone else. So why am I rejected? That is why moving on is sometimes needed, sometimes hard.This blog may be hard to digest, denial may be set in. But what is said is truth.

Total dependence

My nephew Mark is fighting for his life. He is in the ICU on a ventilator, numerous medications, bleeding from his mouth, on dialysis. He is totally depending on others to care for him, and he still will not live, he will die, we are not sure how soon, the little booger has some fight, but he has no immune sysytem needs a 3rd BMT, but will not get it because his Kidneys have shut down and would not survive it, so now he is fighting infection after infection with out an immune system. That is total dependence.
That is what our Father wants from us, total dependence.

The difference is our Father offers an eternal life, Hope, Salvation, all humans can offer is just a little more time.

Today I visited Mark, He was laying there eyes flickering at the sound of my voice. I squueezed his hand and told him he needed to depend on Christ and Christ alone, He is the only one that can help him now. His eyes were flickering even more, he squuezed my hand and tried to do a slight nod. I was not quite sure if he was aware of what I was saying, but happy with the response a got. At break time I visited him a again. He heard my voice and kept moving his fingers, his mom was holding his hand, he kept moving them and seemed a little agitated. He wanted me to hold his hand, he calmed down when I told him I was holding his hand, he nodded his head and even squeezed my fingers. I am not sure if he understood what I was saying, but I did get an overwhelming peace knowing he wanted me there and my hand and voice comforted him.

If I perish

I have been reading the book "If I Perish" and to be truthful, I can't seem to finish it. It sickens me. A young girl intentionally seeking out to be a martyr for Christ. Not necessarily a victim of circumstamance, but intetionally seeking out to be a martyr, to the point she is fasting for 30 days and becoming weak and delirious doing it. This what I have taken out of the book. No Spiritual uplifting, or fervencey, but plain intentionally putting oneself in the line of fire.Are Christians so fantical about wanting to be a martyr that they will die in Christ's name, does that make us any different then the Musilm dying for allah?I am not saying we shouldn't stand for what we believe, I find the first deed of this young Korean heroic, she refused to bow down to the Japanse shrine. That was right, but to intetionally put yourself in the line of fire by praying to be a marytr and then starving yourself for 30 days to the point of being weak and delirious, isn't martyrdom, isn't fasting.I am just using this book as an illiustration of some far fecthed ideas of martyrdom, my main question is "Are Christians so fantical about wanting to be a martyr that they will die in Christ's name, does that make us any different then the Musilm dying for allah?"

From sick house to another

60 hours in 6 days, Yep that is what I have worked. Now I get to go home and take care of my sick 8 year old. Vomiting and diarrhea and fever all day. I am bringing IV supplies with me, to give her fluids. It sounds from her and daddy she is little dehydrated.

Unrepentant Rebel

Today I seen a young lady that once was very sweet, but now, not so. She is pregnant and lives with her boyfriend or married him what ever. I am not sure her Spiritual state, But it made stop and think.
I now see what my sin, must look to others. I lived with my DH for 3 years before marriage. I married an unsaved man, a nonbeliever. He is now a Christian, but it is not the same. I came back to church wanting to be accepted. Although, I have been forgiven, things are not the same. The shunning, the disapproval and the thought I just rub my sin in everyone's nose and for what is preached and teach.

I pray my actions don't seem to look like that. when I came back, I came back not to parade my sinful lifestyle around, but to disharness the hold that Satan has on me. I am truly sorrowful for the hurt I have caused to many, to all. I am ashamed of my sin, maybe that is why I take it lightly, so I bare it less. But wickedness is still wickedness no matter how you paint it. There is never an excuse to sin. Never!

My fear is that my daughters will do what I done, what this girl done. I can't do anything but blame myself. I have no idea how to even prevent it. All I can do is pray for mercy, and believe God will protect them from such wicked temptation.

I no longer what to be a rebel. I want to be holy, Holy unto the Lord

What not to buy

1. Don't buy anything that plugs in. Anything that requires electricity is seen as utilitarian.
2. Don't buy clothing that involves sizes. The chances are one in seven thousand that you will get her size right, and your wife will be offended the other 6999 times. "Do I look like a size 16?" she'll say. Too small a size doesn't cut it either: "I haven't worn a size 8 in 20 years!"
3. Avoid all things useful. The new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points.
4. Don't buy anything that involves weight loss or self-improvement. She'll perceive a six-month membership to a diet center as a suggestion that's she's overweight.
5. Don't buy jewelry. The jewelry your wife wants, you can't afford. And the jewelry you can afford, she doesn't want.
6. And, guys, do not fall into the traditional trap of buying her frilly underwear. Your idea of the kind your wife should wear and what she actually wears are light years apart.
7. Finally, don't spend too much. "How do you think we're going to afford that?" she'll ask. But don't spend too little. She won't say anything, but she'll think, "Is that all I'm worth?"

It's official

I am a mother of a teenager. My baby girl has turned 13. It's funny she is starting to notice boys. She has been planning her wedding, down to the colors and flowers. A couple weeks ago she had to have an EEG done to rule out seizures, luckly it seems to be just migraines. She had to stay up late, so I ventured the late night with her. Especially since there is no whay she could ever stay up by herself. she still gives herself a 9 pm bedtime.

So we were going through my junk in my bedroom. We found my wedding dress. I had her try it on. It fit her perfectly. (I know it is hard to believe I used to be that little). It was so KEWL to see her in my wedding gown.

Anyway, her goal is to marry a blue eyed, blonde hair cowboy. Now she doesn't really know any. But that is what she is looking for. Of course he will be a Christian she tells me. My goal for her, my prayer, is that she doesn't just marry a good man, but a Great man. A GREAT Christian man, that is in the center of God's will.

Grow in Grace

Maybe i am just over analysing this, but I was thinking of a sermon I heard about growing in grace and that being perfectly content in our Christian life. Basically being stagnant is in disobedience to Christ's command to Grow in Grace.

I don't know if this make sense. Maybe because I am typing this late or what. But I am far from happy in my Christian life. I am content, but I do want me. I want to grow in grace, but stupid things happen and I forget. I make plans to go soulwinning, but then something comes up and I forget. Something like a doctor's appointment, an errand I need to run for Brad or something like that.
Then I also would love to serve in my church. I am sure the staff totally thinks of me as one big slacker. All talk no action. But the truth is, what can I do and be consistent at it. I work every third weedend, so I miss church at least 1 0r 2 Sunday's a month. I could work Sunday School, but then again, that sometimes the only spiritual food I get for 4 days. unless, you count sermons on CD. Nursing home is out. I tried that, but working Late on Friday and not getting to bed until almost 4 many nights makes it really difficult to be at the nursing home at 9 am.

I just really do feel useless in my Christian life, and that I don't know what to do about it.

Micro Manage

Life as a mother is full of micro managing tasks.

I micro manage many times even from a busy ER, over an hour away.

Today for example
I make sure my daughters go to camp, swim lessons, get home safetly, do their chores, clean mop kitchen, clean bathroom, dust living room and vacuum.

I even comfort the weak of heart, no not at work, but home.
It is 10pm and i am talking with Brad, he wonders why the girls bedroom light is on. He asked sami. Samantha is going through an emotional crisis. She has a strange feeling no one loves her, she just can't shake the no one loves me feeling. So I suggest she sleeps with daddy until I come home. She agreed and said it would help her feel loved.

Micro managing from a level 1 trauma ER

The Valley

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)



I been thinking about this verse alot since it was discussed in Sunday School. I feel I am always ever drowning in the valley, in the shadow of some great mountain. We sing I want that mountain, but why? In the valley it is lush and safe and sweet. I never thought of the valley of despair to as that. But if you think of it, it is lush of beauty, waters so deep, plenty of food to eat. The security of the valley so Close to God.

The talk

Grace and Truth stood by the sea. Grace spoke of plentous waters to see, to bathe , to drink, to even feed. Truth proclaimed thru harsh coarseness love, the dangers of deep, the pollute thereof. It warned of current to strong to swim, the rip tide too. Grace swooped down to tastethe water, proclaimed no harm, but feet did falter. Grace scoffed at the Way, the Truth and Life, and met his fate in drowned waters.

Grace is wonderful, beautiful and kind, Truth so rough while pure in mind. Grace without truth will lead to death without life. For both is necessary in the Christian life. For both need Christ's mercy shown in Grace and Truth.

Need

Christ is all I need,
to comfort the soul
To tighten the lead
for my heart to know

The ever cleansing Blood

When tears of sorrow flow down my cheeks
It's not the dreaded morrow, but frightful weeks
That turns months to years
Failed goals that sear

Rips the heart
from beating chest
Ends in failure from the start
The work, the wait is lack of best.

The neverending tock of clock
Rings the alarming of haunt
Dreams that are tightly locked
Desires burn, ache and flaunt

Out of reached for troubled hand
Broken mirror of reality face
a look from horrible sinful man
Salt of tears linger in taste

Despair closing in
The blood of Christ washes once again

Devotions

I read this vesre in my devotions recently


Proverbs 16:5
Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD: though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished

The noun every one really spoke to me, how God is not a respector of persons. that everyone that is proud in heart is an abomination, me, my children, my family, my pastor, my church that is proud in heart is an abomination.
not usre why this verse really impacted me, but 4 days later i am still dwelling on it.

Delilah

Judges
16:5
And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him: and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver.


I wonder if all that money made Delilah happy?

Mark 2

Kee[ praying for Mark. He is off the ventilator, but is still CPAP to help him breath, he is recovering slowly, but still is confused at times, pulling out tubes and what not. I love my nephew, he is a good boy, man. But he needs salvation