And he loved her......

Genesis 24:67 And He loved her......



Isaac loved Rebekah. Love is a very powerful emotion. It is very important to be loved, to feel love, to have someone to love you. I know, I am fortuanate. I have a husband and children that really love me. The first moment I held Rachel,I felt a love, like no other. the first moment I held my husband, I felt a love like no other.



I didn't always have that love. Oh my parents loved me, but in a different way, a parental way. Not affectionate like a spouse. It is much different.



As I was heading off for Bible college, I dreamed of the love, the type a man loves a woman. I never recieved in in Bible College, I felt and was treated as unloveable, my dreamed was to be loved by a godly man, I was instead rejected, by many. I didn't turn my love, my desire towards Christ, who ought to be our first love. I turned it to self. After I left BC, I did get many dates, that isn't said to be prideful. It is true. But it was attention from the wrong type of men. It wasn't true love, it was worldly ungodly lust. Sickening as it may sound, but I got my desire filled, I treated as if I was loved. Love is powerful, it is strong, when doesn't feel it, they can often turn to drastic things such as I.

The Bible calls women the weaker vessel for a reason. We are weak. I am weak and I needed love. I didn't get it from the right type of man, so I sought after it from the wrong type.

I wasn't a great Christian, I wasn't bad either. I loved the Lord and wanted to serve Him, just not alone. After a pretty weak dating first year and half of BC, I wasn't ready to give up love, for God.I know that sounds really sad. It is the honest truth though. Why am I confessing this? Because this is a common problem with Female Bible College students. They are pressured into finding a man, consciously or subconsciously, and when they don't especially their first year, they feel like a failure, and worse, unloveable.

Free Rice

If you love vocabulary, you my like this free mind numbing game
www.freerice.org

What is your hughest level? mine was 39

Mark

On saturday Aug 2nd, my nephew Mark Lee Allen passed away of 2 brain tumors at the age of 20. He is a remarkable young man, life cut short. I did talk to him about Christ he understood. He was intubated, so I really couldn't have a deep conversation. I am at peace knowing that he was at peace making his choice.
He choose when he was to die, he was taking off dialysis on Saturday morning and passed away in my sister's arms. They need alot of prayer right now. The funeral is tomorrow, pray God gives me courage and strength to comfort my family and wiotness as oppurtunity arises.

Home Sweet Home

Praise the Lord!!! the offer for the home was accepted. Now the loan just needs to go through.
Here is a picture of it. 1040 Hokanson
http://www.realtor.com/search/searchresults.aspx?zp=46304&mnp=18&mxp=17&typ=1&sid=7839f1f3188c48479a7a9e315ab8e134&pg=1

Moving On

Well in less then a month, we will be here 5 years. We are looking at moving to a different town.That seems to be the theme this summer, the theme to move. Both of my daughters best friends have moved to different states. Their teacher moved, and it seems like a mass exodus. Now we are moving, hopefully.

Our move isn't a great distance, just maybe 2 miles away, 1 mile from Church. We are attempting to buy a house. Praise God the offer was accepted. Now we must go through the hardest part, we must be able to get a loan. Pastor Mallinak preached a message on miracles at the beginning of the summer. As a family we have been praying for God to provide a miracle for us. we don't deserve a miracle. We deserve nothing but hell, but we are praying for a miracle, that miracle would be a home for us.

My family, my husband and daughters really need to see God work. I know He wants to, but I think we forget, often, too often about many of the miracles God has provided. My family needs to see God is
real. My husband needs to see, my daughters and even I. We don't deserve a home. There is nothing we can really do to obtain a home. If it happens it will solely be a miracle of God.

The thing about moving, isn't the hard work per sae, recently serveral families have moved. As I tell my daughters their dear friends are leaving, what do I say? How do I say it? How do I not run down a family decisions to do what is best for their family? When we moved 5 years ago we moved for what was best for our family, in doing so we faced a lot of derision. The pastor threw a fit, banned us from working in the church, lied to us to our soon to be new pastor. We almost was denied access to the Christian school. A little over a year later our former pastor left his wife and quit the ministry.

Now I am not saying this what is going to happen now, with so many people leaving, but I can't be judgemental in thier decsion either. I can't predict the future. I love my church, I love the people here and the staff and I also love the people that have left. I hate change!!!!

I am not sure exactly what the problems are. I do see a huge clique that has formed inside the church, either you are apart of it, or your not. It isn't easy to gain access to the clique. Often it requires someone to be employed by the church. If that isn't the case, then ask yourself, who is your best friend? Who do you hang with? Who is your spouses best friend? Who do they hang with? Who are they all employed by? How often do you associate with someone that has no employment with the church? It isn't to critisize, it is to make people think? Is every staff at Fairhaven Baptist Church right with God? Are they all trying to to do what is right? Are they all real? Was that the case 15-20 years ago when a mass exodus of staff occurred? We know the answer to that. So why assume that making best friends with only fellow coworkers ensures the ultimate biblical friendship? My problem isn't the staff, it is the clique groups that exists among the staff.

I am a better person because of my church, but to be truthful, I am a hurt person due to the rejection I often feel here as well. I have done what I can. I can only be responsible for me, not my husband not anyone else. So why am I rejected? That is why moving on is sometimes needed, sometimes hard.This blog may be hard to digest, denial may be set in. But what is said is truth.

Total dependence

My nephew Mark is fighting for his life. He is in the ICU on a ventilator, numerous medications, bleeding from his mouth, on dialysis. He is totally depending on others to care for him, and he still will not live, he will die, we are not sure how soon, the little booger has some fight, but he has no immune sysytem needs a 3rd BMT, but will not get it because his Kidneys have shut down and would not survive it, so now he is fighting infection after infection with out an immune system. That is total dependence.
That is what our Father wants from us, total dependence.

The difference is our Father offers an eternal life, Hope, Salvation, all humans can offer is just a little more time.

Today I visited Mark, He was laying there eyes flickering at the sound of my voice. I squueezed his hand and told him he needed to depend on Christ and Christ alone, He is the only one that can help him now. His eyes were flickering even more, he squuezed my hand and tried to do a slight nod. I was not quite sure if he was aware of what I was saying, but happy with the response a got. At break time I visited him a again. He heard my voice and kept moving his fingers, his mom was holding his hand, he kept moving them and seemed a little agitated. He wanted me to hold his hand, he calmed down when I told him I was holding his hand, he nodded his head and even squeezed my fingers. I am not sure if he understood what I was saying, but I did get an overwhelming peace knowing he wanted me there and my hand and voice comforted him.

If I perish

I have been reading the book "If I Perish" and to be truthful, I can't seem to finish it. It sickens me. A young girl intentionally seeking out to be a martyr for Christ. Not necessarily a victim of circumstamance, but intetionally seeking out to be a martyr, to the point she is fasting for 30 days and becoming weak and delirious doing it. This what I have taken out of the book. No Spiritual uplifting, or fervencey, but plain intentionally putting oneself in the line of fire.Are Christians so fantical about wanting to be a martyr that they will die in Christ's name, does that make us any different then the Musilm dying for allah?I am not saying we shouldn't stand for what we believe, I find the first deed of this young Korean heroic, she refused to bow down to the Japanse shrine. That was right, but to intetionally put yourself in the line of fire by praying to be a marytr and then starving yourself for 30 days to the point of being weak and delirious, isn't martyrdom, isn't fasting.I am just using this book as an illiustration of some far fecthed ideas of martyrdom, my main question is "Are Christians so fantical about wanting to be a martyr that they will die in Christ's name, does that make us any different then the Musilm dying for allah?"